Come · and · Listen

I feel like I've been in a rut; a dry spell. I haven't felt like writing much or doing any photography or even playing any music. Except for the song I wrote yesterday that said that "I'm giving up on music, cause it gave up on me." I'm sure by now you get the point. I figured it was because I've been so busy and that I really haven't had time to sit, think, and write/shoot/play, but it come to be that I've had my eyes set on an unattainable goal.

Today my dear friend Joshua reminded me that what ever I create is not to be a means to an end, but simply creating is a means. I know some of you may have to let that roll around in your head for a few days to let it take hold, but I'll apply it to me so it makes a little more sense. 

I love to write/shoot/play. It what makes me-ME. But it seems I lost my true love of the art of creation to the satisfaction of people. I love to hear how people like what I've written/shot/played instead of finding my own worth in that I created it regardless of how people felt about it. The creation in itself holds more wonder and awe than any gratification a friend could give. 

How absurd that he says this, is running through your head right now-I can see it... kind of. I create because God created me and how awesome/wonderful/spectacular/neat am I! - and you. And in creating us, God didn't turn to the angels and say Does this look ok?

God doesn't need a second opinion of his work- he knows that it is good. 

So to wrap this rambling into a neat little package with a great big bow, go out and create because you were created regardless of what others think about it. 

Don't lose your passion to the opinions of others. 

Create because you were created.

Sometimes we're oblivious to the people we hurt. We go about making choices that we've justified and that make us feel good in some way without ever considering the repercussions. I'm guilty of hurting people; even my own friends. Friends that I've held dear for years and in one instant betray their friendship and lose their trust without any intention of doing so. 

Tonight I made amends; or at least the beginning of one. My past sins had led me deeper by not only hurting myself but others as well. I know saying sorry hardly even begins to make things better, but for some reason those are the hardest words to say. 

The first ones.

I sat in church with this in mind tonight. The sermon wasn't even about friendships or forgiveness or anything related to what was running through my mind. But God, of course, knew. And he always has a fancy way of tying everything in together. The evangelist that spoke closed out the service with an invitation like any other service, but made clear about one thing. He may have never had any intention of making it stand out. Maybe it was my own guilt that made it stand out, but he said, "If there's anyone here tonight that you know you've hurt and need to make amends, now is the time to do it."

He was right.

I had been fighting tooth and nail for 6 months of whether or not to say something to this person. Afraid of being rejected, shunned, embarrassed, hated, ridiculed. But I knew that I could never rest until I said those simple words that would extend relief, at the very least, to me. My mind fought with itself for a long time. So long that the invitation had passed. 

My chance had passed.

No! I couldn't let this pass. This may be the only heart felt chance that I would get to express my sincerity to my friend. The final prayer had been prayed and people began to quickly mill about, shaking hands and chattering. Before I gave it another thought, I quickly rushed to my friend, shook his hand and whispered in his ear the words that had been lacking between us for over 3 years. 

I was amazed. I was able to hold back the tears and tear through the lump in my throat. As I pulled away to go my separate way, he grabbed me and hugged me and whispered back, "I love you David."

I was floored. I never expected him to say that. Nor did I expect him to even forgive me. His face was slightly red and I wasn't sure if his eye had a tear in it, but I knew one thing...

Forgiveness is only a few words away.



***Hey bud. If you end up reading this, you'll know this was about you. You are a dear friend and I cherish our friendship. You mean more to me than you realize. Love ya bud.***

Current Mood:

thankful

I'm sure the lack of sleep and fatigue have not helped with avoiding it, but also the realization of my love life. Not with girls in particular, but with everyone. I know this seems to be going into an odd and uncomfortable direction, but just hear me out.

Back in high school, as some of you know, I became the youth minister's assistant. It was something to fill the time and something to avoid going home. Through my work in the afternoons, I got a first hand look at ministry and its capacity for love and outreach to everyone. i realized that this is the kind of person I was. Soon I became the guy everyone could come to with issues and have a friendly shoulder to trust and confide in. This is not something that I ever really had to try hard at; it's just the person that I was and still am.

My love of people and ability to accept them as they were ,despite whatever they were going through or dealing with, helped me with my own fear of social situations and getting out of my shell.

But it seems I've come to a turning point in my life where I am now the one in need of love.

I never really thought of myself as someone who needed to be vulnerable and open to receiving love. And the concept scares me to death. I'm afraid to reveal myself to others, even though I know it will lead to healing and closer relationships. It baffles me to watch people grow in their romantic relationships when they open up and share detailed, intimate thoughts and feelings to another individual who may or may not like what they find out.

But people take a chance on being loved anyway.

I guess it's something I never really thought about and figured that it wouldn't be such a big deal; that it would come naturally. But it seems to be the biggest hurdle I may have to jump in order to move forward with loving people, being loved by people , loving myself, and letting God's love in.

I like to think I an do things on my own, but the hard truth comes crashing down all around me when I take a step in my own direction. And for me, coming back to that place with God is hard because I'm fully aware that I'm not worthy of such an awesome and liberating love. There is no reason for him to be so kind and merciful to me. As many times as I fail in one day alone, I wouldn't blame him for giving up on me.

I know I would.

But that is part of the mystery of God that us humans cannot fathom and will never understand this side of heaven. We just have to accept and receive God's love for all it's worth; we can't even fathom it's worth!

Of course this has been on my mind for some time which I'm sure is obvious from my last post. I still find myself sitting and letting the concept of being loved role around in my head. I don't understand it but I believe this is a starting point for me; sitting here writing reveals my heart in so many ways and hopefully this is a step in the right direction.

What if it ends? What if I enjoy you more than you enjoy me? What if your delight in me is bogus? Or worse, what if it is mere manipulation to get from me what you want? What if I love you and then you die, divorce me, or turn against me? The risk is more than I can bear, and so I refuse to open my heart to another person who will arouse my desire and then might use me or dash me to the ground.

Such ambivalence is the enemy of love, [because love] is the capacity to offer ourselves to others

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Exert from The Healing Path by Dan Allender, pg 29


 

I've broken that promise.

It started out slow. The only things that took up time in my life were school and church. I had no job, no money, so there wasn't any temptation to be out of the house constantly.

Then it began to expand.

First came helping out with worship and then youth. Next followed jam sessions and vocal practices I hadn't counted on being there. There were movie nights, concerts,eating out, BCM, guitar lessons to be given, weekly meetings I had with religious people,visits with people I hadn't seen in years, disappearing for weekends at a time.

All these things consumed my life and people fought for my attention.

Things began to breakdown and fall apart.

And now I'm left picking up the pieces of what is left.

I've left important pieces out of my life and cluttered it with crap.

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God is no where to be seen, but if you were to ask others, they would give an answer that is more shallow than I am at times.

God exists within the realm of imaginary friends and pixy dust for most people, including me.

I'm guilty of making God out to be a fictional character in a really inspiring book of Bible stories.

Every once in awhile I get a glimpse of the living God, but as soon as I leave the mountain top, I forget what I've seen and begin to live out things that I think will make me feel better, accomplished and important.

I'm not important.

My friends will disagree and most likely respond to this post with kind encouraging words believing that I'm simply in a valley; in a rut of life.

I don't want them to.

My priorities are way out of line. So much that any control of things has been lost.

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People get upset for some reason when I disappear or seem somewhat distant. It offends them and makes them think I hate them.

I don't hate you, so stop thinking such thoughts.

If your prying hearts must know, I am not perfect and I have things in my life that need straightening out.

I've always been the one to help people work their problems out.

It's time for me to work on my own.

     I woke up this morning with the remains of the morning dream still running around in my head and its illusion of fear still evident. I dreamed that I was unable to finish school and no one would let me graduate. The feeling of being in purgatory set in and I felt trapped within the confines of my incompetency. The fear that drives my worries has begun to take over even in my dreams. 

        This concerns me greatly. 

        My fear leads me into a future where I stand in line at the unemployment office because there is no work for a college graduate and I'm reduced to working in some mail office for minimum wage while paying for my groceries with food stamps. In the midst of me having pursued my passion, I have had to give up any form of comfort in my life. I know that I will be good at what I do, but will anyone else see it?

       I'm reminded of the scripture in Matthew where Jesus tells us not to worry; that it doesn't add even one more hour to our lives. Most likely, it takes away the hours that we spend in stress and worry. He also says not to worry about what we will be eating cause he feeds the crows and they don't even have the capability to think ahead and plan. They don't worry about their source of food. And how much more does he care for us? Jesus goes on about the lilies being even more radiant than King Solomon in all that he wore. I've never seen King Solomon, but I can attest to the beauty of the lilies;and not only are they beautiful, their aroma is intoxicating. 

      In this, I'm reminded of the little things of this world that don't have the capability to worry or fear and maybe they're better off than I am. Because even in the midst of these verses, I'm still human and I still find myself fearful of what is to become of me. But I know that even if I'm standing in line at the unemployment office or if all my food is paid for by the goverment, I'm still taken care of; and in the best way-in humility.

Current Mood:

contemplative

            In the midst of writing and compiling my own works into a book, my pastor asked me to join him in writing one that he has started on. I won't reveal it's material at this time, but I do believe it is going to be great. I felt very honored that he asked me to assist, and I'm glad I'm being given the oppurtunity to use my gifts as a writer.  
            Now I'm challenged with the decision to either stick with my current major of Psychology or pursue a career in the literary arts. It seems I'm being given the same answer from God as he speaks through close friends; "Pray and let me close and open the doors of your life."
            I know God has great plans for me, whatever they may be. he says so in Jeremiah. But me being the doubtful human I am, I get anxious in wondering what those plans entail. I felt left out of the loop sometimes and I don't think that is God's purpose, but I sometimes wish the He would evince all equivical feelings I have concerning my future.

But that wouldn't be faith would it.

Faith summons me to live beyond what I can sense in this realm and to reach into the unkown, knowing that God is there.

Faith is scary at times; well actually, most of the time. 

There's no security except that which is in God. 

Something for me to think about I guess.

Current Location:	Home
Current Mood:	contemplative
Current Music:	Come and Listen by David Crowder Band